F*ck, Reframing Your Life! with Vashti Whitfield

SEASON 2 > EPISODE 4

In this episode of F*ck, I’m Nearly 50!, I’m joined by coach, facilitator, speaker and all-round bullshit detector Vashti Whitfield.

And honestly… this conversation felt less like an interview and more like a mirror.

Because over the past few months I’ve been doing Vashti’s Radical Reframe program and it has challenged me to look at some things I’d never really stopped to question before.

The stories I’ve been carrying.

The beliefs driving my behaviour.

The patterns that have quietly shaped my relationships, decisions and sense of self for years.

And one of the biggest realisations?

You can be successful. You can be capable. You can be high-functioning. And still be running on old code.

✨ If you’ve ever thought:

• “Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over?”
• “Why do I know what I should do but still don’t do it?”
• “Why do I feel like something’s off, even though my life looks pretty good on paper?”
• “Why do I keep putting everyone else’s needs before my own?”

This episode is for you.

THIS EPISODE GETS INTO:

• 🧠 What a Radical Reframe actually is
• 💭 How our thoughts become beliefs and our beliefs become behaviour
• 🔍 Why it’s so hard to see our own patterns
• ⚡ Why so many people reach their 40s and 50s and realise they’ve been living on autopilot
• ❤️ The powerful concept that your behaviour is your beliefs
• 📖 Looking at your life in chapters and what those chapters reveal
• 🎯 The difference between attachment and commitment
• 💡 Why replacing “should” with “could” creates more freedom and choice
• 📝 How a Bucket List and a Fuck It List can expose what you truly want
• 🎭 The inner characters and stories that hijack us when we’re stressed, scared or threatened
• 🫁 The power of pause, breath and creating space before reacting
• 🌱 Why personal growth isn’t about becoming someone else, but remembering who you are
• 💬 What it means to live intentionally rather than automatically
• ❤️ Grief, resilience and rebuilding life after loss
• 🎬 The story behind Vashti’s beautiful documentary Be Here Now
• 👩‍👧‍👦 What she learned about presence, perspective and raising two young children after losing her husband Andy to cancer

WHAT I LOVED ABOUT THIS CONVERSATION

What I love about Vashti is that she doesn’t tell you what to do. She helps you see what you’re doing. And once you see it… you can’t really unsee it.

There were a few moments in this conversation where I found myself thinking: “Shit… I’ve been doing that for years.” Not because anything was wrong.

But because some of the ways I’d learned to operate no longer fit the life I’m trying to create.

What Vashti’s work has reminded me is that awareness isn’t the end goal.

Choice is. The ability to pause. To notice. To question.

And then consciously decide who you want to be in that moment.

Because maybe the next chapter of our lives isn’t about becoming someone new. Maybe it’s about letting go of everything we’re not.

ABOUT VASHTI WHITFIELD

Vashti Whitfield is an executive coach, facilitator, speaker and creator of Radical Reframe, a transformational coaching program that helps people uncover the beliefs, patterns and stories shaping their lives.

Following the death of her husband Andy Whitfield from cancer, Vashti became known for her powerful documentary Be Here Now, which chronicles their family’s journey through illness, grief, love and resilience.

Today she works with individuals, leaders and organisations helping people navigate change, challenge old thinking and create lives that feel more aligned, intentional and meaningful.

🌐 Learn more: https://www.vashti-whitfield.com

🎬 Watch Be Here Now: https://www.beherenowfilm.com

🎙 Listen to the Radical Reframe Podcast

Connect with Vashti on insta

Connect with Vashti on LInkedIn

🔥 Let’s keep the conversation going! 🔥

📺 Watch the episodes on YouTube – Subscribe here! 

💬 Join the community – Follow me on Instagram @fckimnearlyfifty and share your thoughts on this episode. Or connect with me on LinkedIn.

🎧 Never miss an episode – Subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

📢 Spread the word – If you loved this episode, share it with a friend (or 10). Because midlife is better when we figure it out together.

Because f*ck, we’re nearly 50, and isn’t that amazing? 🚀

Transcript

F*ck, Reframing your Life with Vashti Whitfield

Dom Hind 0:00

Hi, I'm Dom Hind, and fuck, I'm nearly 50. Actually, I'm 48 now, and lately I've been thinking about something that's a bit uncomfortable. How much of my life has been driven by beliefs I didn't even know I had. The way I show up, the way I react, the decisions I make, what I put up with, what I avoid. Because I think most of us believe we're consciously choosing our lives, but I'm not sure we are. I think a lot of us are just running patterns. Old stories, old beliefs, things we picked up years ago and never really questioned. And then you hit a point where you kind of stop and go, hang on, is this actually how I want to live? For me, that moment happened sitting on Brunei Island in Tasmania. I saw something on Instagram and it just hit me. You know, when something lands and you don't fully understand why, but you know it matters. So I applied to work with someone I knew nothing about. And that decision has genuinely changed the way I think about my life. Because today's guest isn't just an executive coach. She's the kind of person who sees straight through you in the best way and sometimes the most uncomfortable way. She'll call you out, she'll hold you accountable, and she'll make you look at the beliefs you didn't even realize were running the show. And what she's helped me to do is to properly think about the next chapter of my life. There were definitely a couple of moments where I was like, shit! I've been doing that for years. And now I'm getting to the point because I'm nearly 50, that it's fuck, I'm nearly 50, and isn't it amazing? Vashley Whitfield is an executive and personal coach who works with people who are ready to really look at how they are living and why. Through her individual coaching and her group programs, including Radical Reframe and her group work as well, she helps you get clear on your values, understand how your behavior is linked to what you believe, and questions the stories you've been carrying around for years. This isn't surface level work. It's about looking at different chapters of your life. What shaped you, what you've carried forward, and then deciding what actually comes next. She gets you to think about what really matters, what goes on your bucket list and what goes on your fucket list. And then the harder questions. Are you actually living in line with any of it? But what makes Vashti's work so powerful isn't that she just teaches it. She has lived it. After losing her husband Andy to cancer, Vashdi found herself navigating unimaginable grief while also being the steady, grounded presence for her two young children. That experience became the foundation of her documentary, Be Here Now, which is a really raw and beautiful look at love, loss, presence and what it means to keep going when life doesn't go the way you thought it would. And now through maybe an upcoming book. That's good. I like that. I keep that. She continues to explore grief, resilience, and what it actually looks like to rebuild your life while holding it together for the people who need you. And I think that's the part that really stayed with me because this isn't just theory. This is someone who has had to live through something incredibly hard and still find a way to show up for herself, for her kids, and now for other people. I think when you've worked with someone like that, you feel it. You really feel it. And there's a level of honesty that you can't avoid. And definitely you can't hide from it. Vashdi, welcome to Fuck I'm Nearly 50.

Meet Vashti And Her Reframe

Dom Hind 4:15

Thank you. Uh, if someone was to meet you at a dinner party, how would you explain what you do?

Vashti Whitfield 4:23

Depends who I'm talking to. So if I if someone asks me at a dinner party, what do I do? I usually say, tell enough about me, tell me a little bit more about you. Deep legs. But but generally, as a rule, it really does depend who I'm talking to. Um, there's an expression which is speaking to people's listening, which means share and speak to what they're able to recognize and hear. And so if I'm in a certain environment, I might call myself an executive coach, which is a you know a considerable amount of the work I do. Um, if I'm in an environment where perhaps I can already see or feel that somebody is looking for a different answer, I might say that I'm a transformational facilitator. Um so it moves in the space of development and human development. So usually I just say I'm a change management expert, and people say, What does that mean? And it means I work with people at the intersection of change, you know, whether that's exciting positive change or whether that's very unexpected traumatic change. Yes, I think that that's a great, great descriptor for you.

Dom Hind 5:30

Um, what can you talk about radical reframe?

Vashti Whitfield 5:35

So when you say talk about the radical reframe, do you mean it as a concept or one of my programs?

Dom Hind 5:42

Well, as both as a concept, because I I I mean I have just gone through the radical reframe program, and for me it was amazing just to be able to have that time carved out to think about me.

Vashti Whitfield 5:58

So, first of all, the radical reframe is interesting because there's some fantastic concepts, theories, writers out there, especially in the leadership space at the moment, where radical is inserted in front of a number, radical candor, um, radical acceptance, radical leadership, all of the above. And interestingly, the radical reframe came about because of the nature of my work. And I thank you for the lovely extended bio. But I've actually been working in a space, the space of elevating human potential, whatever that means, for nearly 25 years now. I first started coaching back in the millennium, um, which seemed such a big deal when it was going to turn to the year 2000. We thought the world was gonna end, everything was gonna end, and now that just feels like an age of innocence. But that's where I began coaching. And so interestingly, people often misunderstand this. They think that the extraordinary transition and transformation that occurred when somebody so important in your life dies, that you are, and we can talk more about this later, you're called or moved or forced to perhaps look at life a different way because you've experienced death. But actually, prior to that, I was already working in the space of performance coaching, professional coaching. And so when my husband died, and I was really struggling because I was actually thrown into the legacy of his momentary fame, shall we call it, but his beautiful legacy as well, and who he had meant to people. And with my own awareness of how I could change something of such loss into something of such purpose and creativity and meaning, and as a give back, all these things began to initiate. You know, I started this blog which was called Maybe McQueen, and Maybe McQueen was because he was in a conversation about potentially playing his one of his idols, Steve McQueen, not the director, the um the you know, the movie star. And so I thought, what do I call this blog? And by the way, this is back before social media, what it was, what it was. And so I called it Maybe McQueen, as in, you know, maybe I will, maybe I won't. You have the luxury of choice. And so when I started this blog, it was a very candid, I was terrified, you know. I'd never put my writing out there because I'm dyslexic to a degree, which which we can go into another time. But it was it was very personal, but also I just thought, fuck it. And I remember pressing post on my first one, and it became this huge blog where people not only were able to stay closer to Andy, but they were able to experience in real time my processing, being a widow, grieving, having a little four-year-old and a six-year-old, and what that meant. Now, as I was doing that, all these incredible opportunities came up. Our film we were still trying to complete, you know, with crowd fundraising and all sorts of different things. I got a book deal. Um, all of a sudden I was being called, you know, the life coach and blogger and the widow. And there was this tremendous creativity, but also this tremendous pressure with that. And I was really struggling because I was noticing that I was called to do this incredible work that had such an impact and being able to language it already in the professional development and personal development tone. But I felt so torn because Jesse and Indy, my cubs, really needed me. And I was working with this terrific coach in London, and I was really torn. And it's very unusual for me to use the word struggle, and I've already mentioned it, but I was struggling, and probably in there I was avoiding grief. Right. So you were keeping busy? I was keeping I was keeping busy, but also it felt so purpose-driven. Now you asked me where did the radical reframe came come from? It was when one day I was at 4:30 in the morning because of the time zone, talking to my coach, and I was crying and I was saying, I don't know what to do because there's so much to do for the film, for the book, for the kids. And he said, Well, what if right now you're just supposed to be a mum? And I was so torn by that that I said, You don't understand. I'm the provider now. I have to provide. So how am I going to provide? And as much as everyone likes to think and Wikipedia, what Andy left me with, you know, we always describe his life insurance as meaningful life lessons, and that was about it. Um, but my coach sent me this message the day after our call, and it was just a quote from Byron Katie, if you've ever come across her, and the line was, Everything in life happens for you. Yes. And it took me a moment to reconcile what he was saying because I was very much, and and please, to anyone listening, this is not about taking away from the level of grief that one enters into uh when someone loses someone or something profound. But there was a moment where it was swallowing me whole.

Dom Hind 11:08

Yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 11:08

And it was also cultivating a whole set of stories of who I had to be and what I had to do to survive and provide. And that one line that said, Everything is happening for you, didn't change my situation, but it changed my outlook, it changed my perspective. But it wasn't, it wasn't one of those um kind of cheesy moments. It was, it was quite literally like a kind of Lord of the Rings Gandov moment where you or something, you know, where someone shakes the staff, boom, boom, the clouds change, like something blows through. There's some like strange like music. And it was it was a visceral shift in my body where I got that it was actually a completely radical reframe. Yeah. And so that's where the radical reframe, it's not about radical, it's actually about how simple and small it is, but the profound radical shift it can have if we change our perception.

Grief Purpose And Radical Reframe

Dom Hind 12:06

I love that. And I do I I can definitely identify with the um trying to keep a thousand things on the cards to avoid dealing with things. Um, why do so many people get to this stage of life and realize they've been on autopilot? So stage of life meaning you're getting towards their 50s, later in life. Yeah, kids have grown up, not sure what's next for us.

Vashti Whitfield 12:32

Well, and I always say this, this is my take on it. Do you know, do with it what you will. When we get to a certain stage and age, and I'm gonna I'm gonna use the two words separately because some people move into it earlier, some later. There's a particular stage whether you have or haven't had young, as in children. Um you are usually a child or someone, so you've got parents who are moving into the winter of their life, which can often mean um, you know, real challenges mentally and physically. So not only are things shifting from a your family of origin perspective, but your direct family as well. Your kids might be getting bigger, they might have moved out, but also you may suddenly having to have this extraordinary shift of where you are moving in the family system into the matriarch or the patriarch yourself. You you're suddenly looking at the mother or the father lose their capacity or their cognition, and things start to shift, and it is the absolute definition, whilst it's always going on, of transition.

Dom Hind 13:34

Yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 13:34

And so when we're in that time of transition, I always reckon it to the, you know, we hear about it all the time, those three stages in of transition. And the first is the ending, you know, if we liken it to a relationship or a particular business or career, you know that it's come to an end, it's never going to be the same again. It's the same as you know, my husband passing, that's never going to change. It is here, and we can feel it sometimes in relationships, perhaps when our kids have left home, or maybe something specific happens. You know, somebody, your best mate died of a passed of a heart attack, particularly for men. These sudden shifts start to occur with mortality, or the recognition of where we thought we'd be at a certain time. Yes, and so we have these three stages: the ending, the messy middle, which I always talk about can go on for years, and then the beginning.

Dom Hind 14:28

Yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 14:29

And so when we get to a certain stage and age, usually what's starting to occur is an ending, or we are slap bang in the messy middle, and we're not quite at the beginning, but but we want to know what that beginning is or how we get there. So that's you know, that's my reckoning of why it is now, but also we come into this particular time where, especially with our elders moving into the next stage of passing on, unconsciously we recognise that we're next off the block. Yeah, yeah. So we start to turn our body and start to look back at what so what has or is, or do I want my life to be about?

Dom Hind 15:10

I think the when I first came to you, I can remember I said everyone's talking about doing the work, and I don't know what the fuck the work is. Like, what is this work? Like, I've got so many things on, but what about what is the work? And is the work

Midlife Transition And Doing The Work

Dom Hind 15:28

in that messy middle bit? Like, I I think for me I found that yeah, there were a few endings that happened, maybe not all of them, but a lot happened, particularly in career and with selling business and COVID, like all those things did help to have an ending, but then it's in that messy middle.

Vashti Whitfield 15:49

And is that where the worst like I would separate the two for the sake of this conversation? No one, like, what is the work? Yeah, she always wants the answers. She wants like and give me the instruction manual so I can follow it. Um so I don't like thinking. I don't know, I don't like feeling. What feeling? You love thinking. I love thinking, I do love thinking. Yeah, so let's put aside the the the three stages, aka 27,000 stages of transition, yeah, and come back to doing the work. And actually, if for anyone that's interested, if you dig around a little bit with Byron Katie, the way she brands is her work is the works, it's called. So you said, I know I need to do the work, but I don't know what the fuck this work thing is that everybody talks about, because I've got 17 businesses and I'm like the most high-functioning, you know, I'm I'm really being in my potential. So there's what we do on the outside, yeah, and then there's the what we do on the inside. And for anyone that is interested in any kind of cars or machinery, but particularly cars for this metaphor, it can look sexy, the leathers can smell, or it can be vintage, but actually it's under the bonnet or the hood that makes this thing move, or it's just sitting in the garage. Yeah. And so unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much you pay, the quality of the school you go to, we still are missing on the curriculum the most fundamental, basic teachings of understanding the way a human brain works, the way our emotions work, and the ability to understand why we feel, how we react, what's important to us, these very fundamental, basic levels of awareness that if we had or we came with an instruction book, we would be living very different lives. Parenting, leading, our leadership would be very different. So doing the work is basically untangling sometimes what looks like a very successful life to understand the origin, the motivation, all those thoughts and feelings that bubble below the surface that we might not know clearly what they are, but we only start to question whether they're in alignment when things don't go according to plan. Maybe we feel really low. Maybe we're looking at our partner after years thinking I fucking hate you, why am I still with you? Maybe we're looking at our incredible kids, our incredible businesses, going, Why do I feel so numb inside? Little things start to come up. And unfortunately, so frequently, what we do is try and numb them, yeah, or maybe exit them, worst case scenario.

Dom Hind 18:36

Or ignore them.

Vashti Whitfield 18:37

Or ignore them until our body tells us that we can't ignore them. And unfortunately, that is usually the case that either our body, our health, or our mind will really slap us over the head with a wet fish because we're not listening. And actually, one other thing I do want to say is that we will ignore them by distracting ourselves elsewhere. You know, we'll we'll do a decoy, like you know, we throw the hand grenade over here, or we create something incredibly meaningful over here. We might become a workaholic, which looks so impressive, but actually we're avoiding.

Dom Hind 19:13

Why do you think it is so hard for us to do the work?

Vashti Whitfield 19:18

Well, the I had this perfect example happen maybe yesterday. Um, and um I can confidently share this. So I've started working with somebody who's very new to the space of introspection and looking at awareness and self and and feelings. Yeah. This person is a male, their birth next birthday will be 50. And as we're seeing in the economic climate, um, a lot of positions are feeling very shaky on the ground and unstable. And this person is having what I would call a confidence crisis, led vastly by a sense of um inadequacy, too much comparison, and an enormous fear about the future and how their status will look should the situation change. And so speaking to them, I explained the very simple basics of when we are operating out of our safety bias and we're in, you know, what we all hear all the time now, we're in that flight or fight. So we're operating out of fear, you know. Is this gonna happen? What if this happens and we're in cat, we're catastrophizing, we're second-guessing ourselves. And this wonderful human declared outright: how can a man that's nearly 50 be operating out of fear? How pathetic is that? And so the level of shame, the lack of awareness that as human beings, it's one of the fundamental things that keeps us alive, recognizing our fear. But also this idea that we should be, and I use the shit word, we should be a certain way, and that if we are feeling anything other than beating our chest on top of things, there's something wrong with us. Whereas then on the other side, I work with people like you as an example who go, there's a curiosity, like what's where else? What is there for me to learn? And so allowing someone to recognise that there's no shame in let's call it doing the work, but actually, it is one of the most powerful demonstrations of whole life leadership you could possibly demonstrate for yourself and to those around you. Yeah, I agree with that. I'm glad you agree. She agrees, everyone. Quick, write a book.

Dom Hind 21:41

I'm not writing a book. Um, can you just talk? I I love the because you always pull me up on it, the should versus could.

Vashti Whitfield 21:49

Oh, yes. Well, uh, you know, what I want to say is nothing I am saying is original. In fact, usually nothing anyone's saying is original. Okay. AI. Like we're all but but even then AI is only what's been programmed. Yeah. Okay. So or done before. But absolutely. Uh what I'm saying is this this is nothing new. I'm just I'm just hopefully stating it in a certain way that gives you the opportunity. And you know, what I often find in my profession is that it can be looked down or frowned upon by certain um certain people who have uh a stronger, let's call it, professional education in this. So I'm very mindful about the language I choose and use.

Dom Hind 22:35

But for me, the should versus could worked. Like it actually does change your mindset and get you out of victim-ish mentality into focused on possibility and what you can do. So that's why for uh like for me, it is a great practice to catch yourself when you are saying should.

Vashti Whitfield 22:58

Well, uh there's a few different ways you can work with the reframe of should. The first is should is usually loaded with a whole set of stories. Yes. And should can be based on inadequacy, should can be based on comparison, should can be based on somebody else's expectations of you, society's expectations of you. But what should is is absolutely the opposite, aligned with what your intention is or what you actually value. So when someone says to me, as you often do, oh yes, I should have done this. Like I know what the in quotation marks, the right thing to do is. But actually, should we don't actually have any intention to do it. And so there's no awareness or learning when we use the word should. There's usually avoidance, self-deprecation, um, and or as I mentioned often comparison. The moment we say could, it becomes something that is critical, and it is also what the definition of the reframe or radical reframe is. The moment we say could, it is this unavoidable crossroads of choice. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So I should have gone to the gym becomes I could have gone to the gym, but I chose to hang out with my kids instead. I could have gone to the gym, but I chose to hide under the duvet and feel shit about myself. And so that creates the question of what made you choose that? So wherever we use the word could, not only does it open up choice, it opens up the opportunity for insight and awareness. So often when we throw the should word in, it's actually an avoidance. And you know, I always say this to people well, if you should have done that, what could you do? And what's your intention in that particular area with that relationship, with that um uh piece of work that you need to submit, all of those different things. And that's where your question about why are we so scared of doing the work? Because when we go into the possibility of choice, suddenly it's our responsibility. Yeah, we can't blame anybody else or anything else. We all of a sudden have a choice, and that is often more scary than actually having no choice.

Should Versus Could And Choice

Dom Hind 25:28

And do you know I've got the perfect example of that being scary, is when we first started working together, you said, Well, what are the possibilities? What's your bucket and fucket list? And I'm like, Oh, I'm just gonna play it safe. And I didn't really have, you know, I was like, my to-do list of this is all my possibilities of things that I can do because I was too scared to push and to challenge myself. And I think that yeah, you do with that reframe of could, you do look at what else is possible.

Vashti Whitfield 25:59

Well, I also think we have to examine, we don't have to, we have the opportunity to examine where that's coming from. Yeah. So when I ask you to write your bucket slash fuck it list, and the definition between the two is again about understanding fear. So when we explore the fuck it list, and it's not um, it's not swearing for novelty, it's actually the scientific evidence that when we physically say fuck it, it's a bit like when we do the bungee jump or we we hand in the resignation, yeah, it gives us that almost, it's a bit like when you put your car in turbo, it gives you that extra rocket launch. The fuck it list is about looking at what if I didn't fear or care what people, what would I, not could I, what would I take a chance on? And for someone like you, ready to get the dirt people, you know, what's the role we play when we're writing that list? Are we being the good girl? Yeah, you know, are we being super mum? Are we being the super entrepreneur? Um, for me, am I being like the deeply inspiring, purposeful, you know, am I and I wrote something the other day for something I was working on, and they sent it back and they said, This sounds really good, but it sounds like you're running one of your programs. What's your honest, what are your honest answers? And I was horrified because I I thought I came across as authentic. But I'd gone into facilitator mode. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't just authentic. So for you, when we looked back at your bucket list and we asked, Well, what is the fuck it list? Doesn't mean you have to do it. Yeah, but what if you didn't care? Yeah, and if you were looking back on your life, as you know, predictable as this statement sounds, if you were looking back at your life, what would that list actually have on it? Like huge and tiny. One of the exercises I do, which you know about, is I ask people to look at two aspects of that. What's what are the adventures you want to experience and what are the things you want to feel? And when we move into that latter, the experiences we want to feel. You know, as a I'm often working with people that have come out of, you know, either major business partnerships or relationships and or divorces, and they might say, I want to actually feel the embrace of some soft, gorgeous human kissing me on the edge of Machu Picchu while we're about to. And it and it just goes into this like absolute hilarious almost script, but it allows people to explore what's underneath as opposed to it sounding like uh as it's sounding what is supposed to be or what should be read according to whoever's rules you're living by. Yeah.

Bucket List Fucket List And Ego

Dom Hind 28:43

And I think one thing that you got me to do is to think about the characters that play in my life and also in my head all the time. And I do think when I was writing the bucket and the fucket list, it was very much on the what can I do? What can I know that I can tick off the list? How can I actually be the performer and make sure that I get it all done? Whereas it actually helped to shift to not think about those characters and look at something else.

Vashti Whitfield 29:12

Well, to be able to it it always sounds uh, you know, for some people, I'm not a big fan of this description, but it can sound a bit woo-woo.

Dom Hind 29:20

Yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 29:20

But what I'm about to say is that when we're present, we're aware. Yeah. Um, Ecartol always talks about when you're not present, you're in the ego. Yeah. And the moment you're aware that the ego is play, you've become present. And so when we're present, that, you know, you talked about the sub personalities. Yeah. We all have these different, almost like a cast of characters. Like imagine you're going to the theatre and you've got the control freak, you've got Miss Charisma, you've got the athlete, you've got the hedonist, you've got the lover, you've got the mother, you've got the um hardcore entrepreneur. And each of those characters, or the comedian, each of those characters has come up a particular point. Partly because you might have an element in your little magical child, but usually it's a point of survival, and they become really, really adept and strong. And before you know it, you're going to see this play, and you've got these three fucking characters, and you're like, I came from a romantic comedy. And you've got the control freak, the entrepreneur, and you know, the dormer. And so when we become aware that those characters, when they feel threatened, yeah, tend to go in and steal the show. When we when we're aware of that, well, Dom can suddenly sit down and go, I'm doing my homework for Veshti, and I'm supposed to be showing up to do this exercise as the carefree girl before she gave a fuck. Yeah. So what would she do? Not what would sensible mummy do, yeah, or the provider, or the the risk assessor entrepreneur. So again, when we become aware and we become present, that is where we have a choice to imagine something different.

Dom Hind 31:01

I love the being present. It comes up so often. Even last week, um, Dr. David Williams, uh Dr. Mark Williams, he came in and said, You've got to get off your phone, turn off the notifications and just be present. And I've been doing it, and it's just so much easier. Get out of your ego and just be present.

Vashti Whitfield 31:19

Well, there was there's this I probably shouldn't say this, but I there's the should word, but I could and I will, which is there's I think there was one of the Mel Robbins episodes where there's some expert as she has every episode, and they're like, and if you get off your phone for however many hours a day, you will reduce your anxiety significantly. And it was one of those moments where I had to say, Do people, do people really not realize that? But actually, and I see this with a number of my clients, where, and and as a solo parent myself, I completely understand it. Being present is this idea that once we're when we're multitasking, we have this false idea that when we create we're creating more time for ourselves later. But what actually starts to happen is when we do shut off the phone or the laptop or whatever, we haven't shut down.

Dom Hind 32:16

Yeah. So our nervous system is just on. Well, and the brain's going, what do I need to do next? What do I need to do next?

Vashti Whitfield 32:21

Right. So it's the consistency and the habit of doing that, and actually recognizing what it means to be present. And like anything, if you don't create the space to do it consistently or bring some awareness to are you actually listening to this person you're with, or are you thinking about what you want to say or what you need to do? Yeah, and so that in itself is a practice, yeah, and it's a daily practice.

Dom Hind 32:44

It is a daily practice, it's just reminded me. I really, and I've been promising myself I need to get back to my meditation because I I need to just say to myself, so yes, thank you.

Vashti Whitfield 32:55

But notice what you just said though. Did I say should? No, you didn't. Oh, she did a really good job. I'm that you've just reminded me I need to get back to my meditation. Hands down tells me that you don't have a clear intention to do it. Yeah, okay. It's not a priority. Okay. What should I have said? What could I have said instead of it? It's not about what you said, it's about having a conversation with yourself about what what what is the what is the intention around being present? Because this is one of those really interesting things, and I I with myself and with so many of my clients. It's the we have to have a motive for doing it. Yeah, we have to have what's the what is my core value and why would I do that? Because most of the time we are completely disconnected with the outcome or the consequences. So, for an example, um, and I can own this with my hand on my heart, having run a business from home and prioritizing parenting, so working much more from home than the office, especially with younger kids and kids having just gone through their major exams, that I will be on my phone sending a client a message or creating some content for a program that I am running and selling as the provider. And I might also be doing some creative writing because I'm a writer as well. And my kids will say, Mum, get off the phone, because what they're observing is that I'm still on my phone. Doesn't matter if I'm writing a chapter of my book, they're observing it. So the other piece there is, well, what's my intention around what I'm modeling to those around me? What's my intention? And if you keep saying to yourself, I don't do this right now in the economic climate, the business is under pressure. If I don't do this, I won't have time with the kids later. We make all these reasons and excuses which are true, but in the same conversation, it disconnects us from having any intention to actually make the difference. So I think coming back to you, it's this idea of well, why? Why would you meditate? And getting much more anchored in that and then setting really clear boundaries and consequences around it. Adam Grant is an you know, absolutely someone in terms of habits and practice who I would invite everyone if you don't already kind of take a big bite of what he's saying, take what you love, leave the rest. All about intention and putting the steps in place to actually create those new habits and practices.

Dom Hind 35:18

Yeah, okay. And I do even hearing you say that, yeah, my intention hasn't been there, but I was like, oh, I just need to feel at peace and present, and maybe the intention is to try and just get back to that spot of time for myself.

Vashti Whitfield 35:33

Well, I mean, without turning this into a full-on session, yeah, ready, everybody? Sit back and put your feet up. I I think the other thing to be really cognizant to is what you grew up watching. Yeah, true, true. So for you, you grew up watching parents constantly working, almost seven days a week, constantly doing. For you, you grow up, and there's no judgment here, you grew up feeling like you needed to be taking care of the elder sibling, always, always needing to do, to do, to do, to do, to validate, to validate, also to mirror what you're being taught and what you're seeing. And so a resting heart rate for you is to be doing to be of worth. And so if that is not in our infrastructure, that being still and being present is almost a threat to us. Yeah. And so how our body processes that is it goes to what's safe, which is a compliment, which is providing, which is making the lunchbox, which is doing the annual, doing, and then we feel safe. And what happens is rather than choosing to create something that is going to have a positive impact on everyone, our body detects it as a threat and will do everything to avoid it, which makes a wonderful Dom and all our listeners, which makes it all the more of a challenge to be explored to be able to shift that behavior. Yeah, okay.

Thoughts Feelings And Hidden Beliefs

Dom Hind 37:07

All right. Um, which leads perfectly into this next question. You say your behavior is your belief, your your thoughts create your reality, feelings create your behaviors. Can you explain that?

Vashti Whitfield 37:22

I'm gonna explain it and I'm gonna correct it. Yeah, can you what did I say wrong? Absolutely. What do you say? So I think I think I think what you're saying as as because I feel like you've amalgamated probably about 700 17 conversations. So let's take them the pertinent piece there. And and again, this is one of those no shit Sherlock moments, but for some people you're gonna hear this and and it will allow you to see hopefully things in a slightly different way. What you think becomes your reality, yes. Right? So let's think of a thought like a scene. You know, we let's imagine you're watching a Netflix show or something like that, and you press pause, or if you want to either watch a movie, you'll be able to select the scenes, right? So you've got thoughts that they just come up, and if a thought keeps coming up, the same thought, the same series of thoughts, it becomes what you start to believe. Yeah, right. So they're not giving me attention, they don't love me. Why aren't they choosing me in the meeting? C, they've chosen Dom. What's happening? Oh, look, I haven't been invited to. So we keep thinking a pattern of thoughts that before you know it becomes the reality of I'm not enough, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not gonna get the job, why should I go for the promotion? I don't have what it takes to start a business, and all of a sudden, you become your life becomes the reality because that's what you see. Yeah, even it's the complete opposite, it's what you see. And it's almost like that moment that I was working with my coach back, you know, a year after my husband died, where he said to me, Everything happens for you, because all I could think about was you don't know how hard it is. And it was. Yeah, yeah, I bet. But two things can exist at the same time. So what we continue to think becomes the reality of what we see and and what we can only see. So if we change our thoughts, we have the opportunity. Now, some people go, how can you change your thought? Well, you can't, like a wave, you can't suppress a wave coming, right? Unless you are, unless you are somebody very powerful. And I'm not particularly religious, but I don't know anyone that can stop a wave. Thought you can't stop thoughts. They will come. They're a bit like if you've eaten something inappropriate and you can feel some gas in your tummy. But what you can observe is there is a thought. And if that thought, you know, as but as again, Byron Katie mentions, if that thought's not working for you, who could you be without that thought, right? So if we we can choose, but the problem is, is we go, it's a thought, so therefore it must be true. Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking it, so therefore I must believe it. So what we continue to think and think and think and think and think becomes a belief. Yes. Um, now the second part of that, so your thoughts, what you think, becomes your reality. The second part of that is your feelings, yeah. How you feel. So let's work this out. If you feel shitty, if you look in the mirror and you go, ugh, you look disgusting, and you're thinking that thought, and you feel flat and you feel low and you feel insecure about yourself, you sure as shit don't put on something spectacular and go, I am gonna nail it at that meeting today. You go, you know what, I'm just gonna sit in the back and I'm gonna be on my phone. Yeah. So your feelings cultivate your behaviors. You might feel flat, so therefore you go eat something you don't need. You might feel flat, you might drink something you don't need, you might feel flat, you go exercise extra hard or you turn the TV on. When we can become aware of the thoughts that keep coming up, yes. When we can become aware that despite feeling a certain way, we don't have to react to that feeling. We can observe it and actually do something different. And what I want to say, this is not about not acknowledging your feelings. Yeah, yeah. You know, when we're children and we don't have our feelings acknowledged, that creates all sorts of fuck-ups later, right? Which we're talking about. But when we can observe a feeling and be able to name it, which is a whole other level of awareness, when we can say, ugh, I feel ashamed that that person is coming to my house and I know that their house is bigger or that they've got a set. When we can aware, be aware of that feeling, but then not react to it, maybe not not invite that person to our house, when we can actually choose to respond to it in a different way according to what we think is really important and what we actually really value, that's where magic shit starts to happen and we can actually cultivate change in our lives, but also more than anything, the internal starts to feel very different.

Dom Hind 41:54

And with when I was work working or when I have been working with you, I've realized that the feelings and being able to name your feelings is something I'm not great at. Like I haven't grown up knowing and naming my feelings. And I think when we started working together, I was like, wow, that's a massive thing. I don't know what I'm feeling. Do you think a lot of people are like that?

Vashti Whitfield 42:22

I would say absolutely. I mean, I was gonna give some hilarious statistics there, but you know, we live in a different time. I was watching something funny the other day. I think it was brilliant, Fran Libovitz saying, you know, I grew up where your mum was your mum. She said, I remember my mum saying to me, I'm not your friend, I'm your mum, so I can tell you how it is. And Fran Libovitz was talking about how now we're always, you know, our parents and kids are friends. She was like, it's totally alien to me. And you know, if you feel a certain way, honey, you don't need to do that. Like if that doesn't feel good, don't do it. Back in the day, it was like, I don't care how you feel, like, hurry up and do it. Right. So we we didn't grow up in that space, um, as some of us did. Um, but the the challenge with that, and I particularly find this with men, yeah, however, it's not exclusive, is if we were in our childhood always required to suppress how we felt in order to protect, in order to keep the peace, that was certainly kept the case for me. It was keep the peace. I had two incredible parents, but who fought violently and passionately and constantly. And so not only did my own, not only in my own household did I have to be the peacekeeper, but I grew up traveling around, you know, countries where there was civil war.

Dom Hind 43:39

Yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 43:40

And so I am the absolute consummate peacekeeper, negotiator, you know, high level empath. Yeah. So when we've never learned to be able to recognize a feeling, it we mistake that often for resilience. Yeah. Resilience is being able to recognize the feeling, own it, honor it. And work through it. However, when we can't name it, when we can't even recognize it, we then lose the opportunity, the choice to actually choose if this is how we want to operate. So as a parent, for example, or even as a senior leader, if we recognize that there is uncertainty, there is fear, there's a level of chaos going around, and somebody is feeling deeply insecure and deeply unstable and unstable when we say, you know what, you're just gonna have to pull your socks and get through it. What starts to happen then is people disconnecting from themselves. And that's where um destabilization occurs, and we end up actually facilitating these very um non-resilient human beings.

Dom Hind 44:48

Yeah, yeah. I think that is a yeah, the feelings and naming the feelings and me thinking that I'm resilient, but not actually being able to deal with the feelings is something that has definitely been about doing my work.

Vashti Whitfield 45:08

Well, I mean, I would ask you what's the benefit of doing that? Because it goes back to intention, right? Yeah. What is the benefit? Is it about legacy? Is it about what you want to teach your kids? It is definitely how you want to feel.

Dom Hind 45:20

I think it's probably two things. It's legacy with teaching the kids, but it's also about how I feel as well. And making sure that I am being aligned to who I should be, or not should I can be.

Vashti Whitfield 45:33

Yeah, but but it's also that high achieving, high functioning is it I should be like this, I should be better, I should it it's this wonderful invitation of I could feel like this, and this is what I could model. Um, you know, it's always the invitation. Meditate. Yeah, and and the world wouldn't fall apart, strangely. It's doing a great job on it set by itself.

Dom Hind 45:58

Um, what's an example of a belief that shows up in behaviour that people don't realise?

Vashti Whitfield 46:07

What's an example of a belief that shows up in people's behaviours that people don't realise? A perfect example which I would use, which sounds very obvious in the world we live in today. You know, I live in a place called Bondi in eastern suburbs of Sydney, Australia, where if you were an alien traveling over the top, you would go, what the fuck is this? It's like some weird human gym. And why do people only wear things that show all the uh creases of their bodies? Because it is just one giant gym. I know for myself, often avoiding my own creativity, I lent into being, you know, this kind of Amazonian warrior type strength I've always had. I always lent into physicality, yeah, um, exercise, training, and boxing and kickboxing because I was really strong, but it made me feel good. Yeah. And so it looked impressive. I mean, I'm sure some people read through it straight away. It looks impressive. We see it everywhere, all over social media now in this absolutely intimidating, overwhelming way. Where it's, let me show you what I eat today. I've eaten three peas, let me show you my incredible six-pack. And then we get extraordinarily surprised when suddenly an influencer has taken their own life. Yeah. Because they looked so fit and perfect, and what they were putting out in the world seemed to be in alignment with what we supposedly value as success. So you ask me what's a belief that we often see as a behavior is a I am, and again, this is going to sound a little woo-woo, I am not worthy or I am not enough. Yeah. And that will often come out in the form of what we think looks extraordinarily successful. And again, that's not to take away from the validity of many of those aspects, like taking care of yourself, like having a goal and bringing a business to a fruition. It's where the overfunctioning of it we can see that there's a level of self-worth that is only um that has a facade to it that says, look what I'm doing, to prove who I am. Yeah. And I that is a simplification, but I hope that gives the answers to your question.

Dom Hind 48:27

No, it does. It definitely does. Um, and even with uh something that sort of extends from that is into the patterns. Why is it so hard for us to see our patterns and our past patterns?

Vashti Whitfield 48:41

Well, this is really interesting. Example. I was talking with a client recently about something happening in their own life, and they were making it completely personal to why am I doing this? Why do I continue to be in a relationship with a certain type? Now my business partner I realized has the same behaviors as my personal partner. Why do I keep doing this? And I'm doing the work, and yet I still keep choosing. And other than the obvious unconscious bias conversation we could have, what we actually realized was these were patterns that she had grown up observing and watching. So so much of the time, the patterns that we play out are learnt patterns. Yeah. Right? So it's like watching a parent or caregiver make dinner a certain way. You know, like let's just say, let's just go with carbs because that's so controversial. Let's just say you're making a pasta, so you get a bowl, a pan of water, and you fill it up, and maybe you salt it, maybe you put olive oil in or not, depending on your beliefs. You do it a certain way. You've watched that the whole time. You watch how that parent does it. Maybe they have music on, or maybe they're grumpy and they don't talk to you. And before you know it, you've without being taught it, you have observed the pattern. And now that can happen in a much more um darker way.

Dom Hind 50:03

Yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 50:04

We often find that people who find themselves, let's call it, in extra extracurricular relationships, you know, where we often stray. Uh this the same can often happen with, you know, work addiction, with alcohol addiction. It is a learnt pattern of behavior. So one of the things I always say is, you know, well not say but do is not only do we look at our own patterns, we look at where we might have learnt that pattern. Um, and the same goes for those that have left school very young or left home, I should say, very young, and then you find yourself in the world or in a certain work environment and in an organization where you almost become institutionalized to the patterns and the ways. And I see this all the time with the way people communicate. You've just said 100% for the 50th time in three sentences. How do you actually feel? Because it's a pattern of communication. Yes. So when we stop and pause and observe our own patterns, we then have the opportunity to question where did that pattern come from? And and with awareness, is that working for me?

Dom Hind 51:08

It's funny, even last night I was making hamburgers and I watched mum make hamburgers all the time, and I didn't have any relish to put in the hamburgers. And I was like, oh my gosh, these are going to be a disaster because there's no relish to go in the hamburgers. But it was, yeah, exactly that perfectly. Well, and you failed. You're a shitty fucking mum if you didn't have three types of relish in the larder. Like, God. Anyway, yes. I I I that it is a very um, yeah, it a real example, even in what happened last night.

Vashti Whitfield 51:39

But also, there's a you know, the other side of that is habits. Yeah. You know, if you if you live in a house where the bathroom's on the left, yeah, yeah. You go to the left, you go to the left, you go to the left. So from a from a patterning in your mind, yeah, it's the same, yeah. It maps it. Yeah. So you don't have to think about it. So that experience bias will tell you what to do. So the next time you go into a house, you break your nose three times because the bathroom's not on the left as a wall. The same happens in relationships, the same happens in how we have to relearn a role. I mean, look at just look at AI now. We're having to repattern a whole way of doing things, yeah, um, which doesn't totally sabotage our creativity or our critical thinking. How do we maintain that and yet still evolve? And that's that's another whole juicy conversation.

Values And Changing Life Conditions

Dom Hind 52:27

Absolutely. Talking about a juicy conversation, values. So, something that you taught me about values, and I've done a lot of work on my values, and I thought they were steadfast and exactly where they needed to be. Like I've had them for 10 years and they were exactly the same. You made me question my values so much that my values kill me. No, no, no, no, no, I it's and we've only just done the last round of values work probably about a month ago, and I've now changed mine to courage, to joy, and inspiration. And even in those, like it it has helped me to change the way that I am now acting every day. Why do you think values can change and why do they need to change?

Vashti Whitfield 53:27

Values can change because we have we have a series of values. Yeah. So we have a set of values that kind of come with the package, you know, in the box. You know how when you get you get let's let's let's go IKEA for the you get and you usually actually know Ikea is not a good example because they give you sparsely. There's not even an extra screw that you need. We all need one of those. Um, but you it comes with all the different things here, right? But it also it kind of comes with things we don't necessarily know that we were getting or even wanted. So, for example, let's just say we had a very chaotic childhood or very unstable. So, one of the things we might value is stability. Let's say we grew up with very little. There was scarcity, maybe not enough food, maybe not enough, we might value security and safety, we might value being adored. So we come with these values. So, when you talked about doing the work, one of the first things we want to get clear on if I turned up with nothing but my naked little body in a suitcase of these inherited values or required values to survive, what are they? Yeah. And if you have a parent that values success because perhaps they needed it for safety, we might also arrive with a little value of success because that's what we had to value to get love. Yeah. So once we've got clear on what's in that little suitcase, we can look at them. Sometimes we need to acknowledge them because they are. Maybe security is something that still is an absolute necessity for you to even function. But then it gets juicy. Because then we look at, well, what is this life you want to lead? How do you want to be as a you know, an entrepreneur? How do you want to be as a partner? Who do you want to be in the world? What makes you feel happy outside of what's in that little suitcase? And for you, there was a sense of, I just want to feel excited and inspired. I don't want to just do what I know I'm capable of. Like, what does it being inspired feel like? And what does it look like for me, as in you, to be inspiring? And all of a sudden, and this is very specific to my work, so I'm gonna own it in the sense of those that might be looking at values in a different way. When we can attune to and like with laser precision, focus in on that value that we know if we use it like a compass is gonna help us say yes and no. It's gonna help us say no to what we should do. Yes. It's gonna help us say no to the fact that I know security is critical for me, but I can have security and go off and have the day like driving a Porsche around a you know, a racetrack and feel inspired. I can let myself do that because that would be inspiring if that's what floats your bell. When we have those as a compass, that is where we start to change our behaviors. That's where, and it's one of my favourite quotes, the Martha Beck quote um the intention to change and create change alone cannot happen. And I'm paraphrasing without changing the conditions to actually have change. Yes. Right? So we can't just change by doing the same thing every single day. We actually have to shift the condition. So our values, these laser values, allow us to. And as an example for you, actually, as an example for me, one of the values that I chose last year, and it literally makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a pencil saying this, was a laser value for me was consistency. Yeah, right. What is most important as a value to actually make the impact I want and to take my business, but also to be able to travel more with my cubs? And it was about being consistent. And so I use that as a focus point, not safety, yeah, yeah, which has been my default, especially being a widow and the provider. So, does that make sense? So when we look at understanding the values we arrived with, that we don't necessarily have to live by, we might need to acknowledge, respect, build them in if that's what has us feel a certain way. But if we haven't got that compass, those coordinates, we then are going to just continue to do things like you we talked about earlier, the patterning, the programming. Now, the second part of your question, which I'm gonna repeat but don't necessarily align with, why do we need to? We don't have to do anything. Yeah, it all depends on what you want from this one little life. Yeah, um, it also depends how close you are to the end of that life, because that changes our perspective on our values when we get close to that, or if you've had somebody who is at the end of their life, whether that is too soon or not, all of a sudden our values change. Yeah, the fuck it bucket list comes into play a lot quicker. Yeah. Um, and so we don't need to, but we can we can take the time to look at what if I focused on more would be more in alignment with this lovely little life. And if I look back on it, yeah, I would feel that I'd chosen according to who and how I wanted to show up and do life. Okay, good. Um what talking about the fuck it list with the people that you work with, what's one thing that surprises them or you that has ended up on someone's fuck it list you know the most interesting thing about the fuck it list is there have been people, a family in particular, that sold everything and decided to travel the world with their multiple little offspring. And that was you get and again, I'm apologize for the predictability, but it was we realize that we really do have one life and our kids are only young for a certain period of time, and that we can do this and the world won't end. And you know, again, different things going on at different times in the world, and that was a different time. We're in a time now where people are a little more risk-averse, or the opposite. So that was one of the kind of profound things. But the thing I actually would share here, which is more I think more pertinent, is it was it's more about fuck it, fuck thinking, caring what people think. And that was about changing friend groups, yeah. Wow, that was about having some very important conversations within a marriage, and it was about changing the infrastructure, and as our wonderful Martha Beck quote, the conditions of how they were operating, and that was the absolute epitome of doing the work. It was the stop caring about what others think from a comparison. I don't want the third house, I don't want to go there, I just want simplicity, and again, that was the luxury of having awareness to be able to just shift on the inside.

Dom Hind 1:00:32

I do love that because uh we actually spoke about the conditions quote this week. And I do think it does help you rethink what is going on in your life and what are the conditions that you have in place or the structure that is in place that you don't necessarily need to move on.

Vashti Whitfield 1:00:53

Well, if we look at the the language of what conditions mean, you know, the most obvious thing is you go to you if you look at travel, or let's just say you're a mountaineering person and you want to go somewhere where you're doing extreme sports, you would say, What are the weather conditions? Yeah, yeah. Right. Um, what are the conditions of working in an environment like this? When we look at the conditions of a relationship, for example. So the conditions of working in my work are that I am my boss, I am responsible for myself, I am accountable to myself and my few, you know, part-time assistants. Those conditions have worked for a really long time, they no longer work. Working alone for me no longer works, and yet it's a safety mechanism because I don't have to report to anyone, I can be a control freak. But also, if I need to take the day off to be with my cubs, I can. But now those conditions no longer work. So I have to change the conditions, which means um collaborating, yeah, which means looking at joint ventures because with my little compass of values, collaboration is one of my core values at the moment that I know will support changing the conditions that will lead me in with much greater proximity and alignment to my goals and my wants and my vision and my bucket/slash rocket list.

Dom Hind 1:02:15

I know letting go of some of the conditions or changing some of the conditions is hard. How do you make it easier? Or can you make it easier? Or how do you actually let go of them?

Vashti Whitfield 1:02:27

Well, it's interesting. First of all, to let go of something, you have to change it, right? Yeah. So for example, you you're talking about we had a conversation where you basically said out loud, but but that's hard. It was it was as though somehow you had thought that it would be easy because you now understood it, so therefore it was just a case of letting it go.

Dom Hind 1:02:52

Yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 1:02:53

You know, if you have a friend, let's use this as an example. If you have a friend, and I have this, you know, I've had teenage kids, so I know this really well, who is continually shitty to you. Yeah. You know, whose behavior, and we don't have this just as kids, whose behaviors, whose behavior is, you know, not kind or not appropriate. And yet we allow those conditions to change. But what is really hard, perhaps because of the you know, the the group, the friend group, it's really challenging to change those. Yeah. So the way we change conditions is a little bit like, again, I would refer people back to looking at you know Adam Grant's work, is we look at the pattern of the conditions. We break the conditions down. So for example, if I'm trying to break up with a friend group and my friend calls and says, Oh, aren't you going? Everyone's going. And I go, oh yes, I've got, okay, yeah, okay, I'll pick you up. What I might have a look at is the first part is, what could I, what could I, how could I respond to that friend differently? What could I say? What do I need to practice saying out loud? As in, oh, I'm hope have hope you have a great time, but actually I'm not gonna come. And then what do I need to do after so that I then don't give in? Or maybe I need to phone that other friend.

Dom Hind 1:04:11

Yeah, yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 1:04:12

So it's breaking it down into the steps. It's also being really honest with yourself and looking at what support structures you might need to make that brave choice, right? Because it's hard to let go of things, particularly when they make us feel a certain way, even if they have great consequences that aren't so great.

Dom Hind 1:04:32

Yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 1:04:32

So we need to break it down and we need to, with absolute honesty, look at what I would need to be accountable to those steps. And if it doesn't work the first time, try and try it again. Yes.

Be Here Now Presence And Loss

Dom Hind 1:04:48

Um you've lived through okay, just changing gears just for a little bit. You've lived through something that most people can't even imagine. Losing your partner and then having to keep going. What did that period teach you about yourself that you couldn't have learned any other way?

Vashti Whitfield 1:05:13

It's always interesting. There's a side of me when I hear somebody say that you've lived through what most people can't imagine. There's you know, there's another side of my work where I have the great privilege to work with people who have experienced the unimaginable, you know, those that have lost their children and have experienced what I would consider far more traumatic experiences. And yet in my declaration of that, there is uh perhaps even an avoidance that I spoke about earlier to acknowledge how just how traumatic it actually is to go through something like that. And with the reframe, it's very easy to move away from those and say, well, because of this. I became that, and I was able to do this, and this is how my children grow up. And all of those things are true. And in the same breath, when we are forced into this very normal human condition that is grief, and the sheer range, you know, we we've heard we see so much writing, and now, because of social media, you know, there are so many wonderfully grief podcasts, books available, it as a narrative is something that is far more um invited and available, which I'm grateful for, but in the same breath, it can like everything, it becomes like noise. Yeah. But for me, grief became such an extraordinary part of my life. I often write about it as this other person that sits at the dinner table.

Dom Hind 1:06:52

Yeah.

Vashti Whitfield 1:06:52

You know, you're in the bathroom and it's there next to you, you're pulling on your knickers, and this there. I mean, I've mentioned this before, you know, the first relationship I had, grief was there, and with me, wanted to call my late husband and talk about the fact that I'd just seen, you know, an Italian Willie for the first time. But but in the same breath, you're living this current moment and you're in the present with your child talking about something. And at the same time, this version of grief is there. And in my curious way, you know, one of my uh, if you're interested in Gallup strengths, one of my top strengths is learner and it's who I am as a little human being, was curious. You know, I got the privilege to grow up in so many, you know, insane and magnificent, chaotic cultures where I would just observe and watch and want to walk straight into the fire, as it were. So I had this, I guess I it's a strange thing to say, but on the front foot, for me, it enabled me with that level of curiosity to not only feel it like there was a gaping hole in my chest constantly, but to also look at it and go, Oh, hello you. Yeah. Oh. On my way to the cinema riding my motorbike, I actually thought, oh, if I didn't have little Jesse in Indy, I could just ride into the wall. And then I could just, it could just be over and I wouldn't have to go through all of this. And that thought actually came to me. It wasn't a thought of wanting to end my life, it was the curiosity of, oh, that that would be easy. Now, I then went to the movies and I came home, let the babysitter go, and then I looked up the stages of grief. And this is quite soon after my husband died many years ago. And one of the things it said was highly likely to imagine either harming oneself or taking those close with you. And that's where I started to study the people who had made really, you know, unimaginable decisions where they no longer wanted to live, but they took their care. And I started to, with absolute fascination, whilst snottily crying at two in the morning, thinking, if I'd done this differently, would he still be here? Explore grief as this incredible state of the human condition and to recognize that it sits with us, whether or not someone close to you you love has passed, there. And that is what it has gifted me is the ability to look at life and death and all of those stages of transition in a completely different way. Yeah. Radically reframing it. And not just radically reframing it, living it in a way and facilitating it for others. You know, if you look at Buddhist philosophy, yeah, from the get-go, there is an inclusion of death and preparation for death. Yeah. So that it's not so shocking when it occurs. And in countries where there is a lack of not spiritual abundance, but abundance in terms of health and food and water, we see death everywhere. Yeah. It becomes a a place in life. But in Western culture, we don't. And so it just changed that. It changed my way of both living and leading.

Dom Hind 1:10:10

Um and leading as well.

Vashti Whitfield 1:10:12

Yeah, absolutely. Leadership from a leadership perspective. When we look at grief as part of the human condition, not just something uh assigned to losing a human being. When we can look that grief is actually a psychological part of it, we can actually lead our people in a very different way.

Dom Hind 1:10:30

Your film is called Be Here Now, which is such a powerful idea. What does it actually mean in real life?

Vashti Whitfield 1:10:39

The the title of the film Be Here Now ironically came from us sitting the night before we were going to get his um test results. So he was filming a show when streaming first began called Spartacus, um, and the first season was called Spartacus Blood and Sand. And you know, the irony of all of that was he'd been a shy engineer, and through the brutality of his wife saying, You can do anything you want if you believe in yourself, and through his incredible hard work going back and forth with new babies, you know, one minute in a harness on the side of building working for Arab Engineering, the next driving around, you know, LA doing pilot season, he managed to score this brilliantly, this whole life-changing opportunity to be an actor at 38. And then after filming the first season, um, what we thought was injuries from stunts and sword fighting actually was stage four cancer. And uh he went through chemo and brilliantly, you know, wee we beat cancer, went into remission. And in order to them for them to green light after the wonderful Stars Network had stood the show down, made some kind of prequel sequel to fill in the space, put everything on hold, just before they were going to green light season two, you had to have insurance testing to just check. And on those tests, the day after things changed, but the night before, he and I were sitting in a little restaurant in Ponsonby in um New Zealand, which is where they filmed the show, and he had said, you know, I've been thinking about getting a tattoo because he had this sort of wonderfully perfect natural body. And I said, Oh, that's interesting, already clad in lots of ink. I said, Because I've been thinking about one too. And he said, Well, maybe we should both go and get one, just as a kind of, you know, we've made it, uh, as in through the illness as opposed to in life. And uh and I said, you know, I've been thinking about, and ironically, this wasn't related to Ramdas, who created the whole be here now concept for want of a better description. I had said out of the blue, I've been thinking about be here now because that's all we've got. Maybe you're gonna be okay tomorrow, maybe you're not, but we'll just deal with it. Whatever it is, whatever it is, and it's about just being here now, because that is literally all we've got. And that's what his whole journey and our journey through cancer created. And ironically, look to the left and across the road, I kid you not, was this cool tiny little boutique tattoo parlor. And we both potted across the road and got Be Here Now, and the next day found out that the cancer was back, and that was the day he decided, through our incredible support, the producers, two of the producers of Spartacus who put in their own funds, his manager Sam Maju in Los Angeles. Whilst he said you are insane doing this, and he said, We have to do something, there has to be a reason for this, and of course, that's what we decided to name the documentary was Be Here Now. That is amazing. Well, it it is what it is, and hopefully, even though it's hard to be able to watch the documentary shortly at the moment, but it is available on Canopy, and it is a decade now, 11 years, I think, since the film was originally on Netflix for many moons. But that film, when you watch it, it is the invitation, even though it is now not Netflix standard to all the docuseries you see. It's the invitation to look at your life. And as we've talked about in this episode, am I present? Yeah. Am I here now? Am I just worrying about the future? Am I chasing the past? You know, am I in what if I be here now for this short time that I get here? And and maybe it's not even about the time you get here, it's like right now, yeah, I can run the soft sand. But my knee is definitely saying I don't want to do that too much more. Right now, my cognition is sharp on the good days. But we my creative, yeah, but we don't know how long we have that. There's something else we take for granted. And and I actually mentioned this on the bucket and the fuck it list. Put in the dates because you will not be able to do that at 75. You'll be able to do something else. But if you want to have a wild orgy, do it now, you know, whatever your thing is. But the piece there is like if I am being in the now, then I am present. And if I'm present, then I'm not beholden to all my fears. I'm able to actually look at what is possible and how to embrace that.

Pause Breathwork And Final Takeaways

Dom Hind 1:15:28

One of the things that you taught me is, and something that I take with me, and it's why I've got my bracelet from my beautiful friend on my wrist. It's the power of pause. And I think it is that constant reminder, like you'll be here now is definitely my power to pause and just remember that you are in this moment.

Vashti Whitfield 1:15:48

Well, the power to pause, pause is essentially a catalyst for changing behavior. It's also a catalyst for actually seeing the little ant on the beautiful hibiscus flower, on the natural piece of land that you're being able to walk on, as opposed to being, you know, uh held up or locked up or you know, in a dangerous country. It's the ability to have a greater consciousness for what is actually available to you in the moment. But then there's the other science aspect of that is if I pause, I'm not in reaction. Yeah. And we're wired to react because otherwise we wouldn't live. You know, back in caveman days, you would have got eaten by a T-Rex, although I'm mixing up my dinosaurs and Neanderthals. But quite literally, if you didn't react, you would not survive. If you didn't react when you stepped into a road in a truck, you would die. So we need that. But the problem is that reaction is how we function 24-7. We react by picking our phone up and checking it 72 times in five minutes without realizing. The pause allows us to stop long enough to notice where we're either addicted to something and we feel uncomfortable, or maybe we might respond to somebody with kindness. It allows us to make the shifts and changes that we usually have no awareness that we're even doing or being. Yeah, it is, yeah.

Dom Hind 1:17:15

But it is that's something that I take with me every day and think about okay, I have to be present, I have to be poor, I have to pause, I have to just stop for a second.

Vashti Whitfield 1:17:26

And breath is really useful. Meditation. Breath is really useful, right? You I don't know if you know this, but when you came into your life, you needed to breathe, and when you go out of your life, you stop breathing. And one of the things we do, which is free, yeah, I is we don't use our breath. And again, people will write this off as woo-woo, but you know, we you work with some of the top performance coaches. One of the first things we do, what they do, we do, is work with breath to be able to regulate, to be able to shift our thinking, to be able to shift our nervous system. And yet the amount of people that walk through life shallow breathing, yeah, and we can't think, we can't respond efficiently, it totally changes the infrastructure of how we operate. So, to pause, one of the most powerful ways to bring pause in, and you talked about how we change conditions, is to use breath to cultivate pause. So if I stop and I breathe, even if it's in for three to five, in through our nose, pause for a second and then exhale for three to eleven seconds, depending on your lung capacity, and you do that for five breaths, and you do that at least three times a day, you will start to notice something shifting if you commit to it. If your intention is there, if the intention is there.

Dom Hind 1:18:48

Okay, all right. Rapid fire uh questions. One belief most women or men don't realize is holding them back that you can change your mind. Yeah. Okay, good. A behavior that instantly tells you someone is out of alignment uh saying yes to everything. Something people think matters but actually doesn't.

Vashti Whitfield 1:19:18

It's the acquisition of commodities and things stuff. We have this very linear by this age I should have, by this age you should have, by I my children should have this. And so it's checking the conditions, the conditioning of your beliefs. And does that really actually align when you look, if you take a moment to look back on life, if you were uh like 80, if you have that luxury, did those would those things make it look like you'd actually lived your life in a fulfilling way?

Dom Hind 1:19:52

Yep, okay, good. One small one small shift that can change everything.

Vashti Whitfield 1:20:00

Reframing life, that everything is happening for you, that it's rigged in your favor, however traumatic the conditions are, it doesn't take away the grief. It's the what is this happening for?

Dom Hind 1:20:15

Okay, your mood in one word right now. You must be present. Um what's one thing about how we live our lives that people don't want to face but probably could?

Vashti Whitfield 1:20:38

One thing about having that we care we care so much about what people think, even the people that aren't alive anymore. We operate we operate in a way, often I see this constantly, where people are operating in a way to gain the love of a father that passed 15 years ago. Um, so it's just an awareness of we had we didn't realize how much we cared either what people think or how much we were looking for love.

Dom Hind 1:21:08

Yeah, okay. And then uh last question. Uh as I have uh a year and three quarters until I'm 50. What would you recommend that I should try to push myself before I turn 50? Well, I wouldn't say you should do anything.

Vashti Whitfield 1:21:26

Okay. What do you think? What could I do? What could you do before you're 50? What do you want to do? Oh, so much. Well but is that the problem? Maybe I should my question is what is it that we feel we have to achieve by the time, you know, because we have these really crazy milestones, you know. So 40, so 30, 40, and 50 have particular milestones. And when I you know this because we've worked on this to a degree. When we look at life in chapters, and I break it down into specific ages, when I look at my 30s, in my 30s, I got married to my husband. We had two children. We bought our first place. He went from shy engineer to scoring a role where we were moving to Los Angeles and our whole world was going to change. I became the wife momentarily of somebody that we couldn't walk down the street in certain places without men and women pushing me out the way and telling me they couldn't quite understand why he was with me, but obviously it was a nice person because he was so handsome. To suddenly moving countries to losing my husband momentarily when he became a superstar and used to leave the house at 5 a.m. and come in at 9 p.m. Yeah, right. And navigating there. I became a mum, but also felt very invisible as I stayed at home with two young people. Uh, we then found ourselves doing red carpets and doing what looked like was going to be a very different life. We then went into the chemo wards, where I went from red carpet to cancer, to then my husband dying, and then raising my cub solo, moving country solo, and building a business solo. That happened in my 30s. Yeah, it's a lot. So when we look at you're about to turn 50 in one year and three quarters, and you look at your 40s, it's really juicy to have a look at what is it you think, you think, you thought you could or would or should achieve in your 40s. You know, like you're moving into this like strange pasture of like old bovines that suddenly I need to do this, I need to sleep with 23 handsome young men, I need to do a PhD in what is it, right? It's neither of those two. So what's it? Just so we're clear, your husband will be happy to hear that. Um, so the the piece there is, I would say, this is the reframe. Yeah, yeah. What is it that you might want to let go of to move into this next incredible decade of power as a woman and a man, but you're not turning into a man yet, that's not on your bucket list. But what do you what do you and what could you seek to let go of that is actually weighing down the possibility of this incredible next decade of change? Because 50s is a decade of change. Whether we like it or not, there's enough information on it. Our bodies are changing, and so rather than fighting that, we can embrace that in any way we want. But also, what is actually going to stop you towing the line and moving into this incredible threshold, dragging some of the same old doggy, shitty bits on your shoe that you really don't need to be carrying anymore? So that would be my radical reframe. Okay. What I can let go of.

Dom Hind 1:25:00

Start my list now.

Vashti Whitfield 1:25:02

You'll just be working with me, I hope, for the next two years at least.

Dom Hind 1:25:07

It'll be like, oh my god. No. Uh is there anything else that we we should have talked about that haven't?

Vashti Whitfield 1:25:15

I think that we've I think that we've covered everything. I think the thing, the only one thing I would say is when people you asked me, the first question you asked me was, how would you describe what you do? And the way I see it is that I work with whole life leadership. Yeah. And the way I look at life is it consists of life, love, loss, leadership, and legacy. And everyone has mixed feelings about the last word, legacy. But I feel so strongly that, and I work with some high flyers, that we look at success in a certain way. And as a solo parent, and one of those mothers that even when I had a wonderful partner after my own crazy childhood was so discerning in how to keep them safe, and then my husband went and died, so I couldn't really control anything. What I've looked at is what does leadership really look like in all aspects of our life? And leadership being being aligned with your true potential, not what you should be doing, but who and how you can show up. So when everything we've talked about today is not, it's not just about applying it to what we might call our personal lives, because your personal life is you, yeah. So it's not just about this over here, it's about what how you do anything is how you do everything, that Zen proverb. So it's not okay to be nailing it there if there's shit that needs to be faced over here or if you're cracking. So my invitation is that, especially, fuck me, I'm nearly 50, your brilliant podcast, is let's embrace this next chapter that we are privileged to lead in alignment. And even if you are so deeply out of alignment, it's not just you. This is part of your journey. Your journey doing the work, doing the work is part of who you become. And it's not about fixing yourself, it's about embracing that life and evolution is a constant, a constant thing that needs to be explored. Yeah. Okay, good, good.

Dom Hind 1:27:17

I like the holistic life, and it does, it does the whole life, whole life. It has to be, has to be everything coming together. Okay. I'm just gonna have a pause and a breath now before I close. Vashdi, thank you. Dom, thank you.

Vashti Whitfield 1:27:34

Actually, I have to say something because I'm so vain. Just because I've got three podcasts coming up, I just as a gift from the weather changing in Sydney, sun to extreme wind, got these cracking soft sand running coles. So I'd just like to say for the record, with no shame, that if I did have Botox, it wouldn't just be on one side, because I feel like I've got one swollen face on one side and one on the other. For my vanity, for my vanity, I'd just like to explain that this lovely swelling is it's beach running, okay?

Dom Hind 1:28:07

Can I just come back to something that you said? Who gives a shit about what anyone thinks, apart from you?

Vashti Whitfield 1:28:12

You know, it's a bit if you it's a bit like who gives a shit about anyone. If you came to my house, I am still having grown up in a camper van and driving around in chaos. I still like there to be beautiful aesthetic order. My face is too old for beautiful aesthetic order, but I would like to just say that like my if I'm gonna plump my cushions, I'm gonna do it aesthetically equally, and this is not that moment.

Dom Hind 1:28:35

Oh, you are hilarious. All right, okay. Uh thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Um this conversation shows us that changing your life isn't about doing more, it's about being honest. And honest about what you believe, honest about how you're living, and honest about what's actually not working anymore or what I can let go of. But also it's about perspective because when you hear someone who has lived through real loss, who has had to keep going, who has had to show up for their kids while navigating something incredibly hard, it kind of cuts through everything else. What matters, what doesn't, what you're holding on to that you probably don't need to. Because most of us don't need to blow up our lives, but we do need to stop running the same pattern on repeat. And actually choosing what comes next on purpose. Okay, I know for me there were a couple of things I couldn't unsee once I did this work, and I just want to say thank you. So thank you. And if you want to find out more about Vashti's work or anything that she's doing in the future, maybe or maybe not, um, I will put everything in the show in the show notes. And if you do want to work with her, she's amazing and she has changed my perspective of how I do think about things and how I do need to take things out of my life. So maybe ask yourself what's one thing in your right life right now that isn't quite right? And what can you let go of? Because sometimes the shift isn't doing something big, it's about seeing things clearly and being brave enough to do something about it. Because fuck, we're nearly 50, and isn't it amazing? Yay!